Frustration

I have never claimed to be a genius or a great conversationalist but I know that I can hold my own.  I often joke a lot that I can talk to a wall, "Hi, how are you? Come here often?  I like the way the light reflects off your paint..."  I can pretty much talk to anyone about anything.  My problem lately is dating.  I have been beyond frustrated with the fact that I can't concentrate during my conversations to remember details about their lives AND my life!  I was so embarrassed when Adam asked me what I was looking for in a man and I just drew a blank.  I get asked this repeatedly on eHarmony and yet I still drew a blank and needed coaxing.  When again, Adam, name changed, and I went on a date we were talking about his personal life.  I asked him to tell me about his youth and I had trouble following...ugh....why must my brain argue with me?  I kept trying as hard as hell but it was as if the information was water flowing through a sieve.  Oh, I failed to mention that Adam is an attorney.  This added to my pressure to be on point and sharp.  Did Adam notice me struggling to comprehend and follow the conversation?  Did he actually see the smoke coming out of my ears?  It has been several days since our date.  We have had a few texts between us but I still don't know where we stand. And I in my paranoia feel that he noticed me struggling and doesn't want to date a dumb woman who can't carry a conversation or remember what she wants in a man.  After our date I really was tempted to go up to him and ask him how it went.  Why shouldn't we?  I think that should be the new thing for some of us...the post date interview.  Go up to your date for a follow up if you will.  Then there's no waiting for a call and we find out right away if there will be a second date or not!  Hey, I think I just solved the second worst problem to world peace!  Wouldn't that be nice though?  Imagine all the frustration that we all go through as a result of not knowing what our date is thinking but by comparing notes ... Poof *** we know right away!

I have tried to think about how I could handle this problem of mine.  I'm praying about it...praying that I can concentrate and pay attention to the conversation and words being told to me.  I also decided that I can't use any pain medication for now, like marijuana, or even pain patches.  This seemed to help me with our conversation this past Sunday night.  I wasn't feeling well so instead of a date we just talked on the phone.  I felt good, well the conversation went well because we spoke for a whopping three hours!   It doesn't hurt that he is a good conversationalist as well.  We haven't had a second date but I hope with my new tools I will be prepared for some great conversation!

Alone Again

Well, it happened I met someone that said the fibromyalgia was a deal breaker and so there goes my heart.  I met Alex (name changed) on ldssingles.com and we seemed to hit it off just perfectly.  I love a smart man and intelligent, Alex is.  He made me laugh when I needed to and even laughed at my corny jokes, a bonus!  As I said in my last post, I also joined eHarmony so I have been receiving emails from other men but Alex's were the ones I looked forward to the most.  My heart would jump every time I saw his letters and I waited to hear that ping one hears when there is a new email!  Things were moving along quite nicely until I felt because Alex had shared some intimate details regarding his life that I should tell him my 'secret'.  I was absolutely shocked when Alex told me he had just come out of a marriage where his wife also suffered from fibromyalgia and he didn't think he could go through that again.  I was devastated.  When he described to me his previous situation I realized how hard it must be for a spouse and for family members.  Is it fair for me to ask for someone to take on a burden of loving someone with an illness?

I have another man problem I hope that you can help me with.  On the other hand I have Ben (name changed).  I met Ben years ago also on a dating site and we've been in contact off and on through the years.  Well, a few weeks ago he found me on Facebook and we've been in contact ever since.  Ben is a firefighter but his passion is coaching football.  In addition, he is a father.  He is always busy.  That's not my problem.  I love that he is driven, knows his passion, and is a good father.  My problem is that he isn't much of a conversationalist.  Or maybe he is it's just that he is always so busy that we always end up texting...ugh!  There is only so much one can say in a text.  A conversation can only go so far.  Also, he's never asked me what I do during the day, where I'm working NOW.  Years ago I worked at the airline but we all know I don't work there anymore.  Why do I still talk to him?  I'm guilty of being really attracted to Ben, I have been for years, we have never met and the flame is still there.  I know what you are wondering...when are you going to tell him about the FM?  I don't know.  Ben is talking about meeting.  That thrills me and scares me at the same time.  In a way I have fantasies of meeting him, he falls in love with me because I am so fabulous then I tell him of the illness and he says to me that's ok, baby, I'm here.  Of course he's wearing his firefighter uniform and his muscles are rippling at this point.  Hey, it's my fantasy!

They say that the law of attraction will bring what you send out.  Did I send out to the world that I wouldn't be accepted because I am sick?  Am I self sabotaging?

Nerves

So I registered for eHarmony.  But now I'm regretting my decision.  The reason is well, first of all, I lied on the questionnaire and said that I was "self-employed".  Well, what am I supposed to say that I'm disabled?  Now I'm freaking out because I don't want to talk to anyone in person and tell them what my real life consists of, lying in bed, all day?  That I wear my pajamas, all the time, sometimes that I may not shower everyday either because of the pain, not so sexy when you are trying to impress a guy!  I'm ashamed and embarrassed who could want a damaged creature such as I?  It's so frustrating to think about it.  I'm so lonely but I hate to burden another person with my illness.  Would it be fair?  I witness my mom struggle with my stepdad, Dieter, and his MS, could someone love me enough to take on this burden with me?  My next question, when does one tell a person that you're dating that you are sick?  I know that I have come a long way in my health.  I was thinking about this lately.  I do have less pajama days and a lot more days where I do feel better but the fact is that I am ill.  Who wants a wife that is in bed all day?  Gosh...that does sound bad when you say it like that, right?  Haha!

Food, glorious food!

One of the many suggestions given to me by people has been for me to change my diet.  Vegetarian, vegan, gluten free, cookie diet, becoming a vampire, you get the picture.  I have briefly skimmed over this before but I do want to stress the importance of each person finding out for themselves through an elimination diet or cleanse for 30 days.  I promise this will not kill you!!  I'm on day 30 of my second elimination cleanse.  I did it again because I feel great when I'm on the cleanse...not that I'm climbing mountains or running marathons but when I am not eating preservatives and yucky hormones and GMO's the 'machine' which is my body runs efficiently.  Is it easy?  Yes and no. It's even easier when you have a buddy (isn't this how it is in life though, right?!).  Giving up your favorite foods for a month may seem daunting but it's worth it in the long run if you find out what is making you sick, right?  The hard part for me was when my head and jaw were hurting so badly and I  couldn't even chew I just wanted saltines for my nausea but alas, not on the plan!  I made do with homemade and quite yummy chicken bone broth.  Flexibility is key when you have a chronic illness!

My point is cleanse then slowly add food groups every 4 days to see how your body reacts (beans, gluten free grain, dairy, all grains, soy, sugars/alcohol).  When I looked up fibromyalgia online and what foods not to eat I got so many different answers.  There are some similarities like MSG, nitrates and artificial sweeteners but aside from that I think everyone is different.  That nasty GMO laden corn really flares me up and it's in EVERYTHING!  Another thing that makes me worse that just makes me want to cry are...sweets.  Like cakes, pies, and cookies, oh my!  Please excuse me while I retrieve a napkin to wipe the drool off my chin.  Hey, a girl can dream I just can't partake :).  I also have read about the adverse effects of soy and personally choose to stay away from it, caffeine and gluten.  Not always easy with the gluten but I try :)

When it comes to supplements I find I need to regularly take B complex, Magnesium, D3, and fish oil.  A friend who is studying nutrition suggested I drastically increase my fish oil and start taking turmeric and nettle so I'm going tomorrow to buy some and I will report back in about a month.

Making changes is never easy especially when you don't feel well.  Heck that's an understatement for those of us with FM, right?!  I feel like $@&?!!  Yes, it was hard for me to prepare a healthy lunch instead of popping that meal into the microwave.  But I found it got easier once I got into my regiment and I found many recipes that made me lose my yearning for junk food!  I challenge all of you...yes even YOU!  You're in charge of your body, not the fibromyalgia do this for 30 days for YOU!  Keep a journal of how you feel.  Remember, if you don't ever make changes then nothing ever changes.

 

Reunited

Antonieta Gatica

Last week I was searching on Facebook for old friends as I do from time to time and low and behold I got a hit...my companion from my mission in Antofagasta, Chile!  I was a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in 1996 and I expected to serve an eighteen month mission as is customary for young women.  Upon my arrival in Antofagasta, I met Sister Antonieta Gatica a beautiful young Chilena woman.  The funny thing was that we didn't exactly hit it off right away.  She was not impressed by the stereotypical "spoiled" American young men and women that she had so far encountered but they left the best for last (I was her last companion before going home from her mission).  In all honesty it really was long hours and hard work!  Also, she didn't speak a word of English and Spanish was new to me.  Fortunately for me I had two things going for me; I had no idea she didn't like me and I am a hard worker who loves the Lord plus, I'm ME!  We immediately became close friends who worked well together serving the needs in the community and God.  After a few months of work, unbeknownst to me, I had fibromyalgia and my problems began.  I had horrible knee and back pain which caused me great pain to walk.  Unlike the missionaries here in the United States who have cars or bikes, Sister Gatica and I had to walk everywhere.  We would walk for miles and miles each and everyday in the sand or cement if lucky.  During that time I had been transferred companions including areas and Sister Gatica was sent home.  After struggling with the pain for several weeks I was finally sent to doctors, then put on bed rest and then eventually I was sent home.   I moved back to California but then shortly thereafter moved to Colorado and we lost touch.  I have been searching ever since.  We have been catching up and she has a twelve year old son and like me has never married.  I remember she always said she wanted to have quintuplets of both boys and girls so they could go on their missions at the same time!  All I could think of is mass feedings and all those dirty diapers....yuck!!  I will have to remind her of that. :)

Aside from my rusty Spanish skills, I thoroughly enjoy talking to and catching up with Antonieta.  I'm getting to know her in a completely different light, too.  We are now women.  She is a mother.  On the mission it was almost solely about the Lord and family and now it's those plus life, pain, illness.  She was shocked to hear that I still have the problems all these years later with my knees and that it has progressed.  Yes, me too.

Antonieta and Pablo Gatica

 

We're All Mad Here

Evaleigh hamming it up at Costco 

Last week I had the great privilege of attending my 10 year old niece, Evaleigh's performance at her school.  It was put on by the fifth and sixth graders and surprisingly not holiday themed but rather centered around sports and the fear and anxiety we all had at that young age when we were afraid no one would choose us for their teams.  They hit it out of the park - pun intended :).  As I watched each one of these little children with beautiful beaming smiles on their faces I wanted to hug each and every one of them for a job well done.  I was in the very last row and was not surprised to see the sea of technology capturing the stars on stage.  It was like the paparazzi had come to little old Arvada, Colorado.  How could I be begrudge these proud parents, grandparents, and family members like myself who came to support their little ones like I had?  It was the kid's moment to shine and I too would've gotten in on the action if I wasn't riveted by the impressive performance.

As I was sitting there watching them my mind began to wander thinking about my past performances

My crazy mom in her "safe room"

not only in school but in musical theater as well.  I played a munchkin in a San Jose production of The Wizard of Oz when I was in sixth grade. That experience was so amazing and helped me flourish as a young person.  It then occurred to me that my sweet Evaleigh is almost the same age as I was when I was in that production, no wonder she is such a little ham!  In fact, each of my family members are performers we aren't the shrinking violet types...nope!  Just a few weeks ago my mom demonstrated this when she stepped onto a padded elevator and stated, "Aaaahh, finally a padded room where I belong!"  I laughed so hard.  I love my mom.  In a way that's why I love each and every one of my family members because I think of the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland who famously said , "We're all mad here".  I enjoy this flair for the drama that I possess because oddly enough, it keeps me sane.  Not according to Webster's definition, but just enough to keep me out of the hospital ;)

A Day at the Mall

Each year the holidays approach quicker and quicker.  As soon as President's Day comes and then Valentine's Day it seems like it's just a downward spiral for me!  Lol.  But really, I just woke up and even in my dreams I'm Christmas shopping and that's just not my thing!  In my family we have never been materialistic regarding Christmas.  I have made my presents many a year as have my sisters and that is just fine with me.  I really don't expect anything from anyone during the holidays because I know that money is tight plus I value my family and friends' love and time more than any item they could present to me.  In addition, Christmas is about the Savior's birth and what it means for us.

Thursday I really needed to get out.  It had been several days straight since I had left my house and I was about to commit hari Kari.  I asked my mom to drop me off at the local mall since she wanted to do her Christmas decorating.  It was great to get out! I told my mom to plan on picking me up the next day because I wasn't planning on returning for a long time :).  I danced into Nordstrom shoe department with a smile on my face, caressing the Italian leather holding it ever so tightly to my bosom!  I primped in Sephora transforming myself from an ugly duckling to a swan...yeah...I wish!  And then ...  I was exhausted!!  But I was only there for one hour how could this be?  I decided to stay longer after all, I'm used to pain and I can push through.  I had a falafel for lunch, yum, and relaxed for a while.  Don't you just love people watching?  At one point I called my mom and asked, "Would it be considered rude to take off my boots and lay on the couch at the mall?"
She said yes!  Totally rude.  I did refrain.  While shopping I did see a lot of Christmas sweaters that I wanted to buy.  My m.o. is I shop, I narrow it down and select then I don't buy.  I'm a salesperson's nightmare.  But, it saves my a lot of money!  I highly recommend it to everyone.  So I manage to escape from the mall without purchasing any presents except a cleanser I needed.  As I look around at other shoppers clutching their treasure trove of gifts I thought about the real meaning of Christmas.  True, I would love for someone to buy me beautiful things but my treasures are my family (3Nephi 13: 19-21) Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and thieves break through and steal; But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.  My wishes for you, my friends, as you prepare for the the season is to think about these words and give of yourselves as the Savior did.  Find your treasures.  Do good in the world.  Always.  No matter the season.