A Good Monday

Yesterday was a great Monday.   First of all I was able to restock my MMJ supply.  I'm not sure if I
have mentioned this before but I have a bit of brain fog...oh I have, so sorry to repeat myself :/   However, because of this I let my medical marijuana card lapse two days so when I went to buy in October I was a cooked turkey.  Well, I immediately saw a doctor for renewal and six weeks later I am official again.  Yesterday I went to try out a new dispensary and strain that is high in CBD (pain killer in cannabis) called AC/DC, yep, like the band.  Instead of taking me on the "Highway to Hell" I'm hoping this strain will take me straight to heaven.  So far it has been great!  I've vaped it and it has helped my head which none of the other strains have done so...thank you God!!  I will be making my tincture today because pill form helps so much more and lasts much longer.

On the way home my mom and I stopped at High Country Western Store to get a boot jack.  A boot jack is something up until a month ago I didn't even know existed.  It helps you remove your boots when you need an extra hand, brilliant!  I bought the cowboy boots about a month ago and have been struggling to remove the left one ever since, since they still need to be broken in.  No, I haven't been wearing it the whole time, I mean I need to remove it at some point, sleeping with it is silly don't think I haven't tried, plus, the neighbors are getting tired of me knocking on their doors at midnight asking for help.

My last highlight for my great Monday was a surprise call from my dear friend, Michele Nieve.  I have known this fabulous girl since third or fourth grade.  We became friends through a mutual friend, Lynn Reed, with whom we recently reconnected.  We used to go to these amazing slumber parties at Lynn's house where her mom always made the best food.  I always looked forward to those parties because we all just giggled, and laughed all night long!  That's exactly how it was last night.
I am so glad she called because they say laughter is the best medicine and honey, we laughed so much, I think I cured my fibromyalgia or as she calls it, fibromyJillia, for a couple of hours!  Oh, homegirl, thank you so much for bringing sunshine and laughter throughout the years! :)

Michele and I in Pacifica 7/15

Observartions at a Party

Justin and Isaiah 

Today is Josiah's birthday however, I am on my way to Isaiah's party and Josiah will celebrate his birthday tomorrow.  Got it?  These are my great-nephews who are celebrating their third and second birthdays this weekend.  It's going to be a rough weekend for me because my knees and neck are killing me.

As I walk into the party the first thing I notice is my nephew, Justin, is dressed as Superman.  I'm taken aback at first thinking, that it's not Halloween, then remembering how much his son, Isaiah, loves superheroes it dawns on me ahh, yes I look around it's a superhero party!  But as I look at Justin throughout the party and his interactions with his son I think, he most certainly is a special young man, thoughtful, caring, a wonderful father and husband.  But my thirty year old nephew with the tough guy exterior is a father now to two boys that he loves with all of his heart and he is willing to do anything to make his son happy--even be silly and dress as his son's hero--and that knowledge means the world to me.  How many men can say they are their children's hero both literally and figuratively?  Not many.

As with most birthdays there is lots of delicious food and balloons and happy children.  Catching all

Isaiah (Left) with his hero guarding him 

the action with his new digital recorder is my brother-in-law, Robert, the grandpa.  He is another person for whom I have the upmost respect.  In life we don't get many second chances but it seems that it happened for my brother and I'm glad it did.  He and my sister were high school sweethearts, married young and had three beautiful children, Justin, Nathan, and Veronica.  Unfortunately, with many, there were struggles and the marriage broke up due to a combination of factors including alcohol abuse.  Fast forward years later and my sister and he reconnected, and remarried.  Robert's in recovery and they are deeply in love and the happiest grandparents ever.  I, from the bottom of my soul, could not be happier for a family!

I look around the room and I also see my brother, Michael, the most loving, giving man who is a
force among men.   He has raised four young women, along with sister Carolyn, as his own daughters and has done an amazing job of it.  Oh, there is so much more to say about Michael but that will be for another time.

I can't stay too long much longer because my body is about to implode upon itself but I'm glad I came.  I made some important observations about fatherhood and the men not only in my life but those in my family as well.  I'm thankful that my sweet great-nephews have such role models in their lives and I pray these men will always strive to be honorable men.  I wonder what I will observe tomorrow at Josiah's party?

Spiritual Hugs

Photo by Amy Taylor

Today I was having a bad morning, not so much physically but emotionally.  Plus, it had been two days since I had published my last blog and I was blocked.  I kept adding words to my post, "Bewitched" but I would've been better off throwing the dictionary in a blender and pouring it on the page...I was at a loss.  The thoughts just weren't melding together.  Then it came.  An email from my good friend, Amy.  I have known her for over 27 years and we have been through life's ups and downs.  True friends know when they are needed--even though she knew nothing of my suffering--and in this email was this beautiful picture showing a cactus leaf about to emerge in the afternoon sun.  Amy, being the photographer that she is, quickly captured the shot.  She proceeded to say,   "...But then I got to thinking….these are the little signs from the universe that life is good and ever changing and that there are new and beautiful discoveries everyday.    God does work in mysterious, sometimes subtle, but always in beautiful ways."  I couldn't help it...I lost it.  I knew this was my Spiritual Hug from my Heavenly Father--that's what I call them, reminders from God that He is here, that He loves us, and He knows us.  There are two scriptures that I absolutely love because they talk about His personal knowledge of each and every one of us.  In Matt 10: 29-31 it says we are more valuable than sparrows and that the "very hairs of our head are numbered".  In Moses 1:35 many worlds have come and gone and are "innumerable are they unto man; but all things are numbered unto (God), for they are mine and I know them."

The email helped me because it reminded me of God's love for me.  He knows that I'm going through a rough time and he sent me a message of hope through a good friend.  As I said a prayer of thanks the words for my previous blog fell into place and wrote itself as if the letters had been placed under a spell and finally broken, I could now decipher the words.  I also felt a calmness come over me knowing I cannot stress over that which is out of my control, "God works in mysterious ways"...I need to let Him take over on this one. 

I challenge you to look out for Spiritual Hugs in your life.  Once you become aware of them, no matter how big or small, it will always fill your heart to be reminded of Heavenly Father's personal knowledge of YOU!

Bewitched

Does anyone remember on Bewitched how Samantha, the witch, was able to twitch her nose and stop time then she could experience life while everyone else was frozen?   When I was a little girl I thought that was so cool and I wished I had that power.  Well, for someone who has been living it, it ain't so cool.  When you watch your friends and family move on and you are frozen it time and forgotten it is very difficult.


I have to work extremely hard not to get depressed and keep the lines of communication open with others.  I have lost a lot of my friends due to my illness.  Who wants to always go pick you up?  Sometimes  I think they will catch whatever I have.  I don't know.  I am on Facebook but I don't divulge what is going on or to what extent the pain is.  That's just not me.  Starting this blog was a big step on it's own and I have given the info to select friends and family.   So when I get on Facebook the rare pictures of me smiling that I post aren't an accurate description of the life I lead.  But I can't bring myself to announce to the world, "Hey, I'm sick".  However, it can be frustrating to look online and see friends and acquaintances continuing to live life working, dating, going out,  having kids, grand kids, especially traveling...ugh!  I know what you are thinking, she sounds bitter, not at all, I am so happy for my friends.  I really am but I miss doing things with them and we used to work together at the airline and I used to be able to fly everywhere and, wow, do I miss it!  So that's what I mean, no sour grapes here, I just miss ... life.


Fibromyalgia has always been in the picture even when I was working.  I would work all day and come home then collapse from exhaustion.  I would go to the occasional happy hour to socialize and get out but it was by no means a regular thing.  I often felt embarrassed when people would ask what my plans were for the weekend so I would make up some elaborate story then they would laugh not knowing I wasn't doing anything, just going to sleep because of the pain.  Ha, Catherine, you party animal!


Looking back, I've been either lying or acting my way through life for a long time.  For those of you with FM or chronic illness do you divulge to everyone even coworkers your illness?  Why does it bother me so much to be honest?  I'm obviously not a highly private person if I'm putting it out there in a blog but I can't put it out there on Facebook or would've ever told coworkers.  Do you let your friends and family on Facebook know?  What about coworkers?  Have you also been forgotten amongst family and friends?  Do you have to work to keep lines of communication open?   What suggestions do you have for me?  Your comments would be greatly appreciated.

TMJ

The Trigeminal Nerve that affects people with TMJ

In my many attempts to find out what could possibly help reduce my headache pain my doctor sent me to a TMJ specialist.  I went for the first time earlier this year and trust me, it was not cheap!  I was very frustrated because I had been thinking that it hadn't helped me much.  All I had to show for thousands of dollars spent were two retainers, one to wear during the day and one at night.  Initially I wore them all day and the worst part was eating, it was very difficult because it felt like I was chewing with high heels on my teeth...ewwww!  Well, the other day I broke my night retainer and I'm lucky I didn't choke on the huge piece of plastic that fell off!  Ever since then I have realized just how much of a blessing that investment has made in my life.  My jaw and headache have been compounded by the pain of clenched and grinding teeth.  Eating is not only painful but at times I just can't bear it because the pain is so bad I'm nauseous.  When I can eat, I've survived on applesauce, club soda and gluten free pretzels.  On other days when I'm not nauseated I drink a lot of smoothies and I put hempseeds in them since they have protein.  I always have hard boiled eggs on hand or scrambled eggs too.  I also make my "yogurt" out of coconut milk, avocado and fruit, so in other words, lots of soft foods.  That's how it is living with a chronic migraine.  If I go to reach for something I literally think about the "chewing or crunch" factor and what it will do to my head and jaw in the long run.  This is not just this weekend I'm talking about ALWAYS.   In the kitchen my mom has jars of almonds and cashews and I'm always tempted but I know that if I reach for those dang almonds I will regret it.  Not to be a whiner but this even goes for meat, vegetables, oh, don't even get me started on carrots. It hurts my temples and jaw just thinking about it.  Ouch!

I hate to say I'm glad that my retainer broke but I am.  This has verified to me that the retainers are doing their jobs and I did in fact make the right decision in getting them.  Now I just need to get it fixed!  Then, we can shut down the grinding!!  ;)

Pajama Party

My mom went to San Jose, California for an extended weekend to stay with her sister, my Aunt Priscilla, visit family and make tamales.  In our family we make them ahead of time and then freeze them.  She wanted to help and have the experience even though we will make our own batch here because those tamales will stay in California.  We have a rather large family and the female cousins get together with matching yearly commemorative aprons, laugh, gossip and of course make tamales!  

 I stayed here to take care of my stepdad, Dieter.  Things were scary at first since he fell on the very first morning...in the shower...ugh.  He was too embarrassed to let me help him.  I told him  I love him, I am his daughter, and plus, what is he going to do stay there from Friday till Monday--waiting for mom??  He relented.  The body is a shell and ain't nothin' we all haven't seen!  Am I right or wrong folks?  Fortunately, today is Sunday and he is doing well and hasn't fallen again.  Knock on wood!  He is enjoying HIS mini-vacation.  He is eating frozen dinners (contrary to all my offers to cook him meals),  watching tv way Way too loudly, staying up too late,  and I think last night I heard him popping wheelies with his scooter!  Yes, the joys of your wife being away for a mini-vacation are good for all involved :)

Soriah, my fourteen year old niece came over to babysit me, jk, we had a pajama party on Friday night.  She came over so that we could watch our current obsession, "Jane the Virgin".  This show, adapted from a Venezuelan Telenovela is hilarious and we just love it.  The next day we watched the classic "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" with all of its fabulous quotable lines.  Then I taught her her first official lesson on how to make a pot of beans.   Woo hoo!  They came out delicious.  ** In the process of cleaning up afterwards we found a magic bean that we immediately set free outside in the hopes of growing a beanstalk.  I'm really crossing my fingers hoping to find some golden goose eggs, hehe!  

Pajama parties keep you young.  Whether you're in San Jose with your sister, having a break from your wife for the weekend, or with a special niece, you can let loose and have fun,  I sometimes have pajama parties by myself, I have to.  For my own sanity, or is it my insanity that drives me?  Hmm...kinda like the chicken and the egg, thus we shall never know.

Wanderlust

  

Paris, 1991

Even as a young girl I knew I had wanderlust.  Not only did I want to see the world but I wanted to experience the different cultures.  Although I had back problems early on and depression I threw caution to the wind and at twenty-one I packed up and left all that was familiar to travel across Europe and find a job and myself.  I remember my therapist asking me how it could be possible for someone so afraid of being alone to want to move thousands of miles away by herself.  I replied that I didn't know, I just knew I had to go.  Was it scary?  Yes!  Was I ready?  No.  Did I grow and learn what I needed to know really quickly?  Yes.  I know my steps were guided by my angels and God because I was truly blessed every step of the way.  I learned about patriotism, about myself, and how to become a savvy traveller on a shoestring budget.  The other day I was playing Catchphrase with my seven year old nephew and he asked the question, "It's a place you sleep when you travel,"  (hotel).  My response?  A train station.  I wasn't lying.  I've slept there and airports, some sleazy hostels, if I can't find a room and it's late at night I'm willing to sleep anywhere but please, don't let this get out that I sleep around, I don't want it getting out.  I have a reputation to uphold!  Hehe. 

Good friends in Machu Picchu, Teresa, and I in 1993

Right now I have my memories and pictures to carry me through till I can travel again.  I have been blessed in my life to stand in the Roman Colosseum, atop Machu Picchu, ride the Amazon River, walk The Great Wall of China, stand inside the Sydney Opera House, and swim in the the warm tropical waters of Tonga.  I also was able to live in Florence, Italy and Madrid, Spain as an au-pair, experiences that I shall always cherish!  After that, I came home got my degree, and was in the car accident that I believe was the trigger for my FM.  Months after graduating from college I left on an 18 month mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to Antofagasta, Chile but I returned early due to illness.  This was a devastating blow for me.  Who wants to admit defeat especially when you want to serve the Lord?  It took me years to accept this disappointment.

Although I have been blessed to see much of the world the gypsy in me wants to see more.  Even now I'm just itching to travel the world.  It might be difficult since just a car ride can exhaust me and throw me into spasms but not in my dreams...oh in my dreams I conquer the world...with love.

The Longest Day

Ninja and I ready for class.  I had to make the experience as cheesy
possible.  Please note his bow tie collar and collegiate sweater! 

Today my dog, Ninja, had obedience school.  For some unknown reason I was so nervous.  I don't know if I thought they were going to say he was a spoiled, terrible dog and it was completely all my fault and they were going to take him away from me or he was Cujo incarnate. Either way, my anxiety affected my stomach and my nerves.  Poor Ninja sensed my nervousness and by the time we got there he wouldn't respond to any treats...but by end of the class he had passed everything with flying colors!  The best news was I hadn't caused permanent damage and he was not going to be taken away from me.  No dunce cap for me nor my dog. :)

Since I was out of the house and I can't drive right now,  I always use these opportunities to run errands for toiletries and groceries.  I made the most of this trip...Target, Costco, groceries including a prescription and of course the dog training.  I really am for the most part housebound and don't have the opportunity to get outside much!  As my mom drove us into the driveway I told her I'm so glad I was home because my back was seizing and she said it was a blessing that I was able to accomplish as much as I had.  That is so true.  Even if I'm down for the next few days I'm blessed that I'm able to get out of bed and be mobile because some people don't even have that.

  *** It is about six hours later and I'm not feeling as optimistic.  My legs and groin are screaming from pain.  I have medicated some but it really hasn't helped the pain nor has the Valium or sleeping pills!   When will I learn that I will pay the price if I go traipsing around town.  Oh right, I needed to do that stuff.  The funny thing too is that when I get out I feel like I'm finally free.  I ride the shopping carts down the aisle arms and legs extended like a butterfly taking flight! It's a thing of beauty...so I've been told.

+++ Hallelujah, the concoction of meds finally kicked in and I got some rest!  The bad thing about the MMJ is that it helps the body pain but not my head.  It just relaxes me.  Right now my head, groin and whole back are hurting but I have no where to go.  My plan is to take a hot bath with Epsom salts with lavender and peppermint and do plenty of stretching.  I love the water.  I could live in there if I could.  I think I was a clown fish in another life...rimshot please!  The reason I like it is the complete weightlessness eases my pain.  I love that painting by Millais,  Ophelia because when I'm in the water I feel I'm in an almost ethereal place. Ophelia is in that place, between life and death and that's where I feel in the water; no pain just existence.  What an amazing feeling, so much so it brings tears to my eyes.

Ophelia by Sir John Everett Millais

T-Rex

My sisters have always made fun of my delicate neck.  As it turns out my neck and shoulders are where my pain is the worst.  My sisters say my neck is just way too thin to support my head...I say I would rather have a delicate neck than a linebacker's....booyah!  Would you like to hear more about how these "sweet" ladies torment me?  I have T-Rex hands.  What might that be?  Small, delicate hands.  They on the other hand (pun intended) have man hands so any T-Rex joke that comes along floats my way.  I admit, it is all in good fun and I am proud of my delicate features, I'm sure they tease because they are jealous...hehe..but it makes you wonder sometimes is my neck too small for my head?  Ok stop laughing.  No really.  I joke with my doctor telling him I would be great if I could get a spine and head transplant, ha! if only I could do that  :).   You and I know a new spine and head really wouldn't fix anything because FM is more pervasive than those two areas.  It's all over my body.  It's in the fascia all over like a big bruise and in my wrists, elbows, hips, knees, shoulders--in the form of giant knots with spasms, TMJ, bladder issues, digestive problems, itching, chills, memory issues, nausea/lack of appetite and the list just goes on...  I like to call fibromyalgia "The gift that keeps on giving!"  I say this because I'm always finding something else that the doctor attributes to the fibro... YAY!!  I think he needs confetti and balloons in his office and every time he tells me something new they should drop, just for effect.  He could also hire a Joe Manganiello-esque nurse and he could do the Price is Right type of presenting just to make it "that much more special".  I really don't think I'm asking for much.  Do you?  :)

Smoke Signals

If you had a super power what would it be?  Mine is the Procrastinator...everyone knows it.  What makes it worse is my ADD.  This year I let my Medical Marijuana card lapse...2 days!  I must say this is the first time I've let this happen.  I found out just as I was on my way to go buy to make a batch of tincture so I was going to buy a lot and I was really cought off guard.   Eventually I did buy a small quantity but when you do at "recreational" price it's almost double.  I use it to make my own tinctures and eventually pills.  I take these throughout the day.  I find these so much more effective than Lyrica or any other fibromyalgia medications without the ugly side effects.  I prefer to have both forms on hand, pills for long term relief, and vaporize (cleaner form of smoking) for quick relief.   So far it has been just shy of one month and I am sending smoke signals and prayers hoping that I get my license soon because I have already run out of pills and can feel the difference.  That is why I just don't understand those naysayers who question the validity of marijuana as a real medication.   I treat it with respect as I do my body, that's why I choose not to take narcotics or the other stuff that they want to give to me.  My stepdad, Dieter, is the complete opposite of me.  He thinks that pills solve everything.  Have an issue?  Take a pill, did that cause another problem?  Take another pill.  He has Diabetes but instead of watching his sugar he just adjusts his insulin.  It disturbs me to no end but he won't change.

I'm lucky to live in a state where it's legal.  The thing I want most though, is for federal regulations on  the medical level.  When I travel I need to be able to travel with my medicine.  Would you tell anyone else you can travel but you can't take your medication with you!  No!  That's exactly how I feel.  It really doesn't make any sense especially when traveling to a state that has medical marijuana laws.
We need Reciprocity between states.  What can We/You do?  Vote and contact your congressman.  One person can make a difference.  Who thought marijuana would be legal in Colorado?  It started somewhere.  I bet THAT person wasn't a procrastinator. :)

Another Lap Around the Sun

Recently my sister turned 50 and it was very difficult for her.  I'm not as nervous about this impending number but then again,  I know we are all different.  They say with age comes wisdom, well, today I'm 47.  Did a fairy come at night and sprinkle books on my head while I was sleeping?  Ah-ha! We found the culprit of my headaches!   Surely I jest.  I love my thirst for knowledge and although I don't feel 47, I still feel like I'm in my thirties, I finally feel like I'm in a place where I can speak my mind.  I feel a freedom that is indescribable, but rest assured that I will not be doing anything that remotely resembles Lady Godiva, I'm not feeling THAT free!!

In Sandra Cisneros' poem "Eleven" she likens the ages that we have experienced to an onion that still remain inside of us.  Some days you feel your age all 47 years but then others, the days when I'm with my nephews, I'm more like 12.  Then there are days when I am curled up in a ball crying and I don't know if I'm 5 or 100, but then I have those times when I'm with my sisters, laughing and acting como una loca, I'm definitely 23 or maybe younger  ;)  We all do it.

Today is my day.  Not out of selfishness but a celebration.  I have reason to rejoice.  I have overcome the demons, the depression, the pain, I have put up a good fight and I have made it through to another lap around the sun.  I am thankful to my family for supporting me and my Heavenly Father for the strength that he gives to me each and ever day.

Timing

The biggest disappointment in my life is not marrying and having children.  It's not like I chose not to I just never had the opportunity.  I saw others in my life in relationships that were less than happy and I swore I would never settle.  Sure I could've settled years ago just to be in an unhappy marriage or to have a child but I want a happy marriage with a man that will be a good father and roll model for my children.  Years ago I found a poem that I hold dear to my heart that explains it all:

"Coaching the Universe"
I shout directions
To whoever is in charge,
As knowledgeably
As my own little
Backseat driver,
Age 3.

Carol Lynn Pearson from Beginnings

 I love this poignant poem because don't we all shout directions to God about the timing of our lives? Do we really believe we know what's best for us when we are His young children and He is the great Creator?  I recently bought a bracelet that I engraved, "Trust the timing of your life". I had to because it gets me down.  We all have plans for our lives and we tell Heavenly Father which way we want our lives to go.  How many of you are where you thought you'd be?  If you are where you planned to be, congratulations, and I hate you. No, I'm kidding!!  That really is wonderful because not many people receive that blessing!  For those of you in my shoes, you are not alone.

I once heard a beautiful analogy.  Let's say you planned for years a trip to Rome.  You learn Italian, plan on seeing the Vatican, Colosseum, Forum, and especially your restaurants, yum!  The plane lands and you are in Amsterdam.  Holy cow, you are not prepared for this...not that Amsterdam is bad it's just not what you had planned for.  You planned for years and dreamed of going to Rome so now you make the best of your trip of an amazing place and you discover the wonders of Amsterdam!  You discover this mistake was a blessing in disguise because it taught you something you didn't know about yourself, you can adapt, you are stronger than you thought, and you appreciate this wonderful new culture.  How many times have we had the old switcheroo on us?  Divorce, death, illness, a child with special needs, twins, mental illness, miscarriages, etc., we can't just give up, we adapt and if we can, we make the most of it.  Right now I'm in Amsterdam.  I've learned so much and I'm oh so thankful to my Heavenly Father for the change of course.  I have an amazing relationship with my nephews and nieces and I mentor them.  We have a bond that reaches to my soul.  Being the favorite aunt definitely has its advantages and I love it!  See, maybe I wasn't meant for motherhood?  Maybe I was meant for strictly aunt-hood.  I rock the heck out of it!!   I fought Him for a long time like that 3 year backseat driver (I still do sometimes) but I know I'm where I'm supposed to be  :)

Furlough

Yesterday morning while I was messing around on Facebook I received an invitation to go out for lunch from my friend, LaTwon.  This was an amazing surprise because we used to work together at United Airlines and it had been several years since we had last seen eachother.  We met a lifetime ago as newbies, she, Elizabeth, and I on our first day on the job.  Babies have been born, people have quit, moved away, lay offs, and of course illness, but we have fought it out.  I have been blessed to find diamond souls in my life.  LawTwon is a wonderful mom, and a good woman, again, a diamond soul.

I was so excited to go out I got all dolled up.  See, I even put on makeup?!  (Not done since summer).  As soon as I walked out the door the feeling was palpable...freedom.  I felt like I had just received a prison furlough.  I almost did that thing where you run and slide on top of the car to get to the other side.  You know what I'm talking about?  Yep, that's how happy I felt.  Immediately  we were laughing and catching up on eachother's lives, oh, how wonderful!  But, the longer I sat in the restaurant it was as if the warden of my prison, was whispering to me--I wasn't free.  "The pain."  Naturally, it had been with me the whole time.  I had tried to take precautionary measures but they were wearing off and now I was ready to start a prison riot.  As I sat there I wiggled and squirmed trying to get my back, hips and neck in a sort of comfortable position, ha!  The pain was getting louder and louder like my own Tell Tale Heart.  Do you know how difficult it is to pay attention to a conversation when you are in pain and have fibro fog?  Not so easy my friends.  I do carry my medical marijuana with me everywhere but it's hard to just walk out, smoke, and come in.  Plus laws don't exactly allow it.  Atlast, the time arrived, we left.  Ahh, relief!  We hugged and parted ways, I came home and immediately collapsed in bed.  But wait, there's more!  I'm not complaining I'm sharing my experience with you so you know what I go through.  I awoke last night around 7:30 aching in so much pain from sitting in a booth at lunch with my friend.  And today I woke up early feeling the same.  I just couldn't sleep in because my body won't allow me.  What kind of freak am I?  I have already said in my blog, and anyone who knows me knows that this illness has been a blessing in my life.  I've learned so much, and given opportunities I otherwise wouldn't have and would never say, "why me?" But can't I say, "what's up with my freaky body?!"  Trust me I know things could always be worse.  This is something I think about all the time.  But to you fibromyalgia why is it there is no rhyme or reason to you?  No wonder they gave you a name that starts with a big fat letter F!

Guilt

Why do I feel embarrassed when I tell people I'm disabled?  It's like lying to someone when they call and you are sleeping.  Sure it's 2:37 am I was ironing, not sleeping (everyone would know this is a lie because I don't iron).  I have a perpetual headache, I take a lot of naps but still I feel the need to tell people that I am "busy" doing other activities. Why?  I do joke with my dad, it's his joke, I must give credit where credit is due, so if he wakes me I tell him that it's ok I had to wake up anyway since the phone was ringing :).  Getting back to the guilt, I feel like a moocher.  I know I worked and I'm a damn hard worker!  I remember when I worked at United Airlines with my buddy Elizabeth, there was a gal that we will call, Sandra.  Now Sandra worked with us but was not a people person or a hard worker.  For every one person she helped we would go through about 3-4 people.  How does this happen?  She would read email, play with her phone, and just pretend to be busy between customers but when she had them in front of her it was like a black hole.  I honestly don't know what took so long.  I never watched but perhaps she types with her elbows?  We would joke around saying, "Would you like a regular order or do you want to Sandracize your order??"  Meaning you will be there FOREVER!!

Before this crisis I used to love to read, make jewelry, in fact anything artistic.  Things that are difficult for me to now do.  I have thought about making jewelry to sell on Etsy, but again when I try my neck immediately goes into spasms.  Same with crochet, knitting and I just received this amazing Maya and Aztec adult coloring book to keep me busy two days ago but immediately spasms...ugh!

I still have hope. I have to. I'm not going to be like this forever.  I've done too much in my lifetime, overcome so much to let this defeat me.  I will not be a mole woman for the rest of my life...living in the dark because I am unbreakable.  Does anyone know how I can make money lying in my bed?  Err.  Never mind scratch that.  Actually, my mom did suggest phone sex operator, or exotic dancer.  She said, at least it is dark in the clubs and if I get tired I could always sit on the men's laps!  This hard worker will rise again somehow someway!  The legitimate way  :)