Last week I was searching on Facebook for old friends as I do from time to time and low and behold I got a hit...my companion from my mission in Antofagasta, Chile! I was a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in 1996 and I expected to serve an eighteen month mission as is customary for young women. Upon my arrival in Antofagasta, I met Sister Antonieta Gatica a beautiful young Chilena woman. The funny thing was that we didn't exactly hit it off right away. She was not impressed by the stereotypical "spoiled" American young men and women that she had so far encountered but they left the best for last (I was her last companion before going home from her mission). In all honesty it really was long hours and hard work! Also, she didn't speak a word of English and Spanish was new to me. Fortunately for me I had two things going for me; I had no idea she didn't like me and I am a hard worker who loves the Lord plus, I'm ME! We immediately became close friends who worked well together serving the needs in the community and God. After a few months of work, unbeknownst to me, I had fibromyalgia and my problems began. I had horrible knee and back pain which caused me great pain to walk. Unlike the missionaries here in the United States who have cars or bikes, Sister Gatica and I had to walk everywhere. We would walk for miles and miles each and everyday in the sand or cement if lucky. During that time I had been transferred companions including areas and Sister Gatica was sent home. After struggling with the pain for several weeks I was finally sent to doctors, then put on bed rest and then eventually I was sent home. I moved back to California but then shortly thereafter moved to Colorado and we lost touch. I have been searching ever since. We have been catching up and she has a twelve year old son and like me has never married. I remember she always said she wanted to have quintuplets of both boys and girls so they could go on their missions at the same time! All I could think of is mass feedings and all those dirty diapers....yuck!! I will have to remind her of that. :)
Aside from my rusty Spanish skills, I thoroughly enjoy talking to and catching up with Antonieta. I'm getting to know her in a completely different light, too. We are now women. She is a mother. On the mission it was almost solely about the Lord and family and now it's those plus life, pain, illness. She was shocked to hear that I still have the problems all these years later with my knees and that it has progressed. Yes, me too.
Last week I had the great privilege of attending my 10 year old niece, Evaleigh's performance at her school. It was put on by the fifth and sixth graders and surprisingly not holiday themed but rather centered around sports and the fear and anxiety we all had at that young age when we were afraid no one would choose us for their teams. They hit it out of the park - pun intended :). As I watched each one of these little children with beautiful beaming smiles on their faces I wanted to hug each and every one of them for a job well done. I was in the very last row and was not surprised to see the sea of technology capturing the stars on stage. It was like the paparazzi had come to little old Arvada, Colorado. How could I be begrudge these proud parents, grandparents, and family members like myself who came to support their little ones like I had? It was the kid's moment to shine and I too would've gotten in on the action if I wasn't riveted by the impressive performance.
As I was sitting there watching them my mind began to wander thinking about my past performances
My crazy mom in her "safe room"
not only in school but in musical theater as well. I played a munchkin in a San Jose production of The Wizard of Oz when I was in sixth grade. That experience was so amazing and helped me flourish as a young person. It then occurred to me that my sweet Evaleigh is almost the same age as I was when I was in that production, no wonder she is such a little ham! In fact, each of my family members are performers we aren't the shrinking violet types...nope! Just a few weeks ago my mom demonstrated this when she stepped onto a padded elevator and stated, "Aaaahh, finally a padded room where I belong!" I laughed so hard. I love my mom. In a way that's why I love each and every one of my family members because I think of the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland who famously said , "We're all mad here". I enjoy this flair for the drama that I possess because oddly enough, it keeps me sane. Not according to Webster's definition, but just enough to keep me out of the hospital ;)
Each year the holidays approach quicker and quicker. As soon as President's Day comes and then Valentine's Day it seems like it's just a downward spiral for me! Lol. But really, I just woke up and even in my dreams I'm Christmas shopping and that's just not my thing! In my family we have never been materialistic regarding Christmas. I have made my presents many a year as have my sisters and that is just fine with me. I really don't expect anything from anyone during the holidays because I know that money is tight plus I value my family and friends' love and time more than any item they could present to me. In addition, Christmas is about the Savior's birth and what it means for us.
Thursday I really needed to get out. It had been several days straight since I had left my house and I was about to commit hari Kari. I asked my mom to drop me off at the local mall since she wanted to do her Christmas decorating. It was great to get out! I told my mom to plan on picking me up the next day because I wasn't planning on returning for a long time :). I danced into Nordstrom shoe department with a smile on my face, caressing the Italian leather holding it ever so tightly to my bosom! I primped in Sephora transforming myself from an ugly duckling to a swan...yeah...I wish! And then ... I was exhausted!! But I was only there for one hour how could this be? I decided to stay longer after all, I'm used to pain and I can push through. I had a falafel for lunch, yum, and relaxed for a while. Don't you just love people watching? At one point I called my mom and asked, "Would it be considered rude to take off my boots and lay on the couch at the mall?"
She said yes! Totally rude. I did refrain. While shopping I did see a lot of Christmas sweaters that I wanted to buy. My m.o. is I shop, I narrow it down and select then I don't buy. I'm a salesperson's nightmare. But, it saves my a lot of money! I highly recommend it to everyone. So I manage to escape from the mall without purchasing any presents except a cleanser I needed. As I look around at other shoppers clutching their treasure trove of gifts I thought about the real meaning of Christmas. True, I would love for someone to buy me beautiful things but my treasures are my family (3Nephi 13: 19-21) Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and thieves break through and steal; But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. My wishes for you, my friends, as you prepare for the the season is to think about these words and give of yourselves as the Savior did. Find your treasures. Do good in the world. Always. No matter the season.
I'm back. I know I don't have legions of fans hanging on my every word but I'd like to think that there might be someone out there that looks forward to my posts. Where was I? Surely there has been plenty to write about...like pain after all, this is a fibromyalgia blog. I can't because of writers block. I have recently had devastating news in my life that has turned my world upside down and I'm trying to deal with it the best I can. My blog, usually my outlet for expressing my emotions and feelings, has become more of an encumbrance. How can I write about FM pain when the emotional pain I'm in far exceeds any recorded pain in all my years of struggle? Each time I have attempted to write my neurons protested in rebellion thus my hands wouldn't move. You can lead the horse to water but you can't make it drink! Since this past week was Thanksgiving there was plenty to write about but each time I talked myself out of it; "that's insignificant", "too boring", "too personal," I'm starting to relate to Goldilocks.
What happens when someone you love isn't the person you thought they were? A lifetime of a lie bubbles to life erupting years later -- the devastation unimaginable. They say "to err is human and to forgive divine" but how do you forget? This is my challenge and my burden -- forgive and forget or just don't get sick at the thought of them. Can I say that? Thus, my personal struggle continues breaking my silence for now.
