Frustration

I have never claimed to be a genius or a great conversationalist but I know that I can hold my own.  I often joke a lot that I can talk to a wall, "Hi, how are you? Come here often?  I like the way the light reflects off your paint..."  I can pretty much talk to anyone about anything.  My problem lately is dating.  I have been beyond frustrated with the fact that I can't concentrate during my conversations to remember details about their lives AND my life!  I was so embarrassed when Adam asked me what I was looking for in a man and I just drew a blank.  I get asked this repeatedly on eHarmony and yet I still drew a blank and needed coaxing.  When again, Adam, name changed, and I went on a date we were talking about his personal life.  I asked him to tell me about his youth and I had trouble following...ugh....why must my brain argue with me?  I kept trying as hard as hell but it was as if the information was water flowing through a sieve.  Oh, I failed to mention that Adam is an attorney.  This added to my pressure to be on point and sharp.  Did Adam notice me struggling to comprehend and follow the conversation?  Did he actually see the smoke coming out of my ears?  It has been several days since our date.  We have had a few texts between us but I still don't know where we stand. And I in my paranoia feel that he noticed me struggling and doesn't want to date a dumb woman who can't carry a conversation or remember what she wants in a man.  After our date I really was tempted to go up to him and ask him how it went.  Why shouldn't we?  I think that should be the new thing for some of us...the post date interview.  Go up to your date for a follow up if you will.  Then there's no waiting for a call and we find out right away if there will be a second date or not!  Hey, I think I just solved the second worst problem to world peace!  Wouldn't that be nice though?  Imagine all the frustration that we all go through as a result of not knowing what our date is thinking but by comparing notes ... Poof *** we know right away!

I have tried to think about how I could handle this problem of mine.  I'm praying about it...praying that I can concentrate and pay attention to the conversation and words being told to me.  I also decided that I can't use any pain medication for now, like marijuana, or even pain patches.  This seemed to help me with our conversation this past Sunday night.  I wasn't feeling well so instead of a date we just talked on the phone.  I felt good, well the conversation went well because we spoke for a whopping three hours!   It doesn't hurt that he is a good conversationalist as well.  We haven't had a second date but I hope with my new tools I will be prepared for some great conversation!

Alone Again

Well, it happened I met someone that said the fibromyalgia was a deal breaker and so there goes my heart.  I met Alex (name changed) on ldssingles.com and we seemed to hit it off just perfectly.  I love a smart man and intelligent, Alex is.  He made me laugh when I needed to and even laughed at my corny jokes, a bonus!  As I said in my last post, I also joined eHarmony so I have been receiving emails from other men but Alex's were the ones I looked forward to the most.  My heart would jump every time I saw his letters and I waited to hear that ping one hears when there is a new email!  Things were moving along quite nicely until I felt because Alex had shared some intimate details regarding his life that I should tell him my 'secret'.  I was absolutely shocked when Alex told me he had just come out of a marriage where his wife also suffered from fibromyalgia and he didn't think he could go through that again.  I was devastated.  When he described to me his previous situation I realized how hard it must be for a spouse and for family members.  Is it fair for me to ask for someone to take on a burden of loving someone with an illness?

I have another man problem I hope that you can help me with.  On the other hand I have Ben (name changed).  I met Ben years ago also on a dating site and we've been in contact off and on through the years.  Well, a few weeks ago he found me on Facebook and we've been in contact ever since.  Ben is a firefighter but his passion is coaching football.  In addition, he is a father.  He is always busy.  That's not my problem.  I love that he is driven, knows his passion, and is a good father.  My problem is that he isn't much of a conversationalist.  Or maybe he is it's just that he is always so busy that we always end up texting...ugh!  There is only so much one can say in a text.  A conversation can only go so far.  Also, he's never asked me what I do during the day, where I'm working NOW.  Years ago I worked at the airline but we all know I don't work there anymore.  Why do I still talk to him?  I'm guilty of being really attracted to Ben, I have been for years, we have never met and the flame is still there.  I know what you are wondering...when are you going to tell him about the FM?  I don't know.  Ben is talking about meeting.  That thrills me and scares me at the same time.  In a way I have fantasies of meeting him, he falls in love with me because I am so fabulous then I tell him of the illness and he says to me that's ok, baby, I'm here.  Of course he's wearing his firefighter uniform and his muscles are rippling at this point.  Hey, it's my fantasy!

They say that the law of attraction will bring what you send out.  Did I send out to the world that I wouldn't be accepted because I am sick?  Am I self sabotaging?

Nerves

So I registered for eHarmony.  But now I'm regretting my decision.  The reason is well, first of all, I lied on the questionnaire and said that I was "self-employed".  Well, what am I supposed to say that I'm disabled?  Now I'm freaking out because I don't want to talk to anyone in person and tell them what my real life consists of, lying in bed, all day?  That I wear my pajamas, all the time, sometimes that I may not shower everyday either because of the pain, not so sexy when you are trying to impress a guy!  I'm ashamed and embarrassed who could want a damaged creature such as I?  It's so frustrating to think about it.  I'm so lonely but I hate to burden another person with my illness.  Would it be fair?  I witness my mom struggle with my stepdad, Dieter, and his MS, could someone love me enough to take on this burden with me?  My next question, when does one tell a person that you're dating that you are sick?  I know that I have come a long way in my health.  I was thinking about this lately.  I do have less pajama days and a lot more days where I do feel better but the fact is that I am ill.  Who wants a wife that is in bed all day?  Gosh...that does sound bad when you say it like that, right?  Haha!

Food, glorious food!

One of the many suggestions given to me by people has been for me to change my diet.  Vegetarian, vegan, gluten free, cookie diet, becoming a vampire, you get the picture.  I have briefly skimmed over this before but I do want to stress the importance of each person finding out for themselves through an elimination diet or cleanse for 30 days.  I promise this will not kill you!!  I'm on day 30 of my second elimination cleanse.  I did it again because I feel great when I'm on the cleanse...not that I'm climbing mountains or running marathons but when I am not eating preservatives and yucky hormones and GMO's the 'machine' which is my body runs efficiently.  Is it easy?  Yes and no. It's even easier when you have a buddy (isn't this how it is in life though, right?!).  Giving up your favorite foods for a month may seem daunting but it's worth it in the long run if you find out what is making you sick, right?  The hard part for me was when my head and jaw were hurting so badly and I  couldn't even chew I just wanted saltines for my nausea but alas, not on the plan!  I made do with homemade and quite yummy chicken bone broth.  Flexibility is key when you have a chronic illness!

My point is cleanse then slowly add food groups every 4 days to see how your body reacts (beans, gluten free grain, dairy, all grains, soy, sugars/alcohol).  When I looked up fibromyalgia online and what foods not to eat I got so many different answers.  There are some similarities like MSG, nitrates and artificial sweeteners but aside from that I think everyone is different.  That nasty GMO laden corn really flares me up and it's in EVERYTHING!  Another thing that makes me worse that just makes me want to cry are...sweets.  Like cakes, pies, and cookies, oh my!  Please excuse me while I retrieve a napkin to wipe the drool off my chin.  Hey, a girl can dream I just can't partake :).  I also have read about the adverse effects of soy and personally choose to stay away from it, caffeine and gluten.  Not always easy with the gluten but I try :)

When it comes to supplements I find I need to regularly take B complex, Magnesium, D3, and fish oil.  A friend who is studying nutrition suggested I drastically increase my fish oil and start taking turmeric and nettle so I'm going tomorrow to buy some and I will report back in about a month.

Making changes is never easy especially when you don't feel well.  Heck that's an understatement for those of us with FM, right?!  I feel like $@&?!!  Yes, it was hard for me to prepare a healthy lunch instead of popping that meal into the microwave.  But I found it got easier once I got into my regiment and I found many recipes that made me lose my yearning for junk food!  I challenge all of you...yes even YOU!  You're in charge of your body, not the fibromyalgia do this for 30 days for YOU!  Keep a journal of how you feel.  Remember, if you don't ever make changes then nothing ever changes.