Guilt

Why do I feel embarrassed when I tell people I'm disabled?  It's like lying to someone when they call and you are sleeping.  Sure it's 2:37 am I was ironing, not sleeping (everyone would know this is a lie because I don't iron).  I have a perpetual headache, I take a lot of naps but still I feel the need to tell people that I am "busy" doing other activities. Why?  I do joke with my dad, it's his joke, I must give credit where credit is due, so if he wakes me I tell him that it's ok I had to wake up anyway since the phone was ringing :).  Getting back to the guilt, I feel like a moocher.  I know I worked and I'm a damn hard worker!  I remember when I worked at United Airlines with my buddy Elizabeth, there was a gal that we will call, Sandra.  Now Sandra worked with us but was not a people person or a hard worker.  For every one person she helped we would go through about 3-4 people.  How does this happen?  She would read email, play with her phone, and just pretend to be busy between customers but when she had them in front of her it was like a black hole.  I honestly don't know what took so long.  I never watched but perhaps she types with her elbows?  We would joke around saying, "Would you like a regular order or do you want to Sandracize your order??"  Meaning you will be there FOREVER!!

Before this crisis I used to love to read, make jewelry, in fact anything artistic.  Things that are difficult for me to now do.  I have thought about making jewelry to sell on Etsy, but again when I try my neck immediately goes into spasms.  Same with crochet, knitting and I just received this amazing Maya and Aztec adult coloring book to keep me busy two days ago but immediately spasms...ugh!

I still have hope. I have to. I'm not going to be like this forever.  I've done too much in my lifetime, overcome so much to let this defeat me.  I will not be a mole woman for the rest of my life...living in the dark because I am unbreakable.  Does anyone know how I can make money lying in my bed?  Err.  Never mind scratch that.  Actually, my mom did suggest phone sex operator, or exotic dancer.  She said, at least it is dark in the clubs and if I get tired I could always sit on the men's laps!  This hard worker will rise again somehow someway!  The legitimate way  :)